Beholding Emergence

Slow like honey, heavy with mood.

Cross-overs take time, and yet here I already am.

I came across a journal entry from last year and felt called to share it now—to give it a place to live here in the web of our relating. After months of confused molting last year, only much later did I find the words to anchor the experience in my heart.

When the words come, I know a doorway has appeared.

My words and reflections are ancestors of my soul, revisiting them especially when I’ve reached a point of clarity and calm integrates my being in its entirety.

Seals the looseness that lingers. Revisiting, with a warm bowl of forgiveness in hand.

Inner mystery meanders from 7th November 2024—honeyed expressions, process:

“The seasons shift so swiftly but within its span, time moves slow like honey. I’m in the liminal forest of my beholding and becoming.

Are we ever not?

I haven’t felt the creative wild heart that I have been so familiar with being all these years. I haven’t been the efficient one, the fast one, the dependable one as I’ve been known for. I have just been. Being with my life directly in front of me has been enough. So many elements are being broken down and questioned but I know, it is only to birth what is true. The shape of my soul is becoming clearer and clearer. Unbecoming to become, the wild one I have always dreamt of, already am. How naive of me to think it would be business as usual. Crossing overs takes time.

Honestly, I am tired but I am also so very alive. I’m pregnant with presence, possibility and honesty of Self. With so much falling through the cracks of old ways.

I’m also writing this still recovering from the flu, at the tail end of it but brought to the centre of so much depth and truth. I’m still integrating. This is me sharing a part of inspired insight—a call that asks of me to drop everything and write. A reflection that has spanned days in the portal of illness, sitting and witnessing beneath the pavements of what was.

As a creative, one with a “wildly creative heart” as I used to describe myself many years ago. I have shape-shifted so much, I am still emerging. Beholding my emergence, without a known pathway, without a new opening found yet.

I know the dance all too well, of withdrawing and showing up, withdrawing and showing up. Conflicted with the reality of this online digital world, so much fucking information being uploaded and strewn across the web of our relating. I am dizzy with distraction. It’s so noisy out there.

The space I've taken over these last 2 years, and in the last few weeks more so has also been the rest I’ve dreamt up for years, the rest I’ve needed from the world, from the person I was in that world.

To truly claim this level of rest, has moved my ground, shed my skin, my mental constructs, my connection points to all I loved. It's a grief journey that I am on. To be so allowing to let the previously known constructs of connection and identity disintegrate momentarily—with friends, with family, with work, with my purpose, and with myself. I am doing the relentless work of allowing myself to sink naturally into this depth. I feel like we all need to allow ourselves to rebel in this area for a little while longer. When will enough, be enough?

I took so many years wanting to just step away for a bit and I am finally here claiming this rest. It's a scary journey to walk. So many perceptions of self have to break down. and be built back up, sometimes alone, and most times through disappointing others too. And I hold that with all of me.

The more I live this way, the more I realise how much deconditioning work I have done in the lonely pits of sorrow and confusion. But also, the sacred work of tending the wisdom teacher of deep joy.

I am on this path again doing what needs to be done to allow myself to walk the grief journey of what it means to be truly, truly present to the life in front of me.

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An excerpt I found through a writing online that I’d love to read to you. It is fragmented but full of truths. Here it is:

Molting = Prepares for a new stage of growth. Many of you have outgrown your old shell and it's time to evolve into something much greater. There's no longer room for your past seasons because you're way past the old. Molting can be a very vulnerable and scary time, too, but have no fear.

You have to molt for God to shift you into the new. This is an actual process that takes place, it’s not an overnight thing and can last for months.

When you molt, you get a brand new heart and a more secure place at the foot of god. You are free from the bondages and shackles of the past. Nothing of the past that held you back can go into the new. You are freed and made new.

Hermit crabs must stay hidden in certain stages of development. So if you find yourself going through seasons of withdrawing from others to spend intimate time with God, don’t allow society or people to make you feel ashamed. This especially includes family members, friends, colleagues and others close to you.

Your “molting” is such a key period of growth and it can be lonely and isolating, but surrender and submit to the process. It’ll end up being one of the most beautiful periods of life.

So what are the signs of a molting season?

Pre-molt, a crab will look lifeless and overwhelmed with lethargy. All signs of activity and joy will essentially cease as the process gets underway.

Sometimes you’ll just sense that you’ve outgrown where you are. A job or life you once loved or desired won’t excite you anymore. Even the way you worship or hear from God might be muted or dimmed. You might be someone who hears from God constantly or always has dreams and suddenly it slows down. You just get a little restless and you’re not sure exactly why your spirit feels unsettled.

Eventually, you just surrender and what’s meant to be, will be.”

And so it is.

love, ru.

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If my sharings resonate with you, I invite you to thread it into the field of someone who would appreciate it.

Thank you for being here.

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